I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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