My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
