Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
