i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's never too late to be topless.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
