"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
