The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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