I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
