At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
