Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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