Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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