i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
