how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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