Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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