haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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