also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
