Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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