If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
