Having a random hookup so left but love u
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
