Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
