just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
