someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
