Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
