I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
