The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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