So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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