The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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