You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
