how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
