i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Drunk is not a location!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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