Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
