When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
