Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
