You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
