had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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