Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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