lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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