the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
