Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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