I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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