seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
