I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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