Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
