DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
did i just pee glitter
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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