This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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