I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
