Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
