I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
