just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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