Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
