I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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