Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
