Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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