I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
