watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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