Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I AM VODKA MAN
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
